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The Adventure of the Italin Nobleman
I posted this on my Livejournal after I saw the episode and thought P/H/J/L fans might enjoy it. I just saw the greatest episode of Poirot. It started with people talking Italian with great rapidity, and then it was Hastings and he was like, "I am a total nerd for cars!" and then Poirot was like "I like things orderly and this engine is not," and then Hastings was like, "I say, this car is not meant for order, it is meant for speed and I want to buy it." So Poirot was like "Well buy it then" but he didn't get a chance to finish because in walked THE ITALIAN BEAUTY and Hastings was like "My word" because she was such a hottie, and then he tried to out-complicate her with car-talk, but you see, Hastings does not have much capacity for the little grey cells, and this capacity decreases by at least half in the presence of a pretty face, so he was left stuttering and stammering while THE ITALIAN BEAUTY sheisted him. But he decides not to buy the car right away and heads back to Poirot's house (I suspect he lives there too because he has keys to the place and also turned his bathroom into a darkroom in that one episode, and why would you do that if you had your own?) to consult the brains of the bunch, a.k.a. Miss Lemon. BUT MISS LEMON IS NOT THERE! So Hastings panics and starts running into every room, opening doors, freaking out, and is like, "BY JOVE MISS LEMON IS MISSING, THIS IS NOT CRICKET!! IT'S 2:30 AND SHE IS NOT HERE, POIROT DASH IT ALL, WHERE IS MISS LEMON? I SAY POIROT, ARE YOU HOME, OLD CHAP??" And then Miss Lemon runs in all like "I've been busted!!" and Poirot is like, "Hastings, Miss Lemon has a gentleman friend" and then Hastings launches into the greatest sequence of facial expressions of all time. First he does like 15 double takes of Miss Lemon in a row:  And then once he's done with that he gets this permanent look of shock on his face and you can just hear it going through his head:  So then much mystery-making occurs and there is murder most cruel, etc. etc., and then Chief Inspector Japp is ON THE CASE! And he's like, "YES, I finally beat you to the crime scene, I win, I win, give me props," because as you know he and Poirot are like Best Frenemies and then Poirot is like, "Actually I was here first, I was downstairs questioning the chef" and Japp's face goes from SMUG to SERVED and visibly falls as he's like, "......oh." But it's okay because ze Chief Eenspector Japp, he is Poirot's ami, n'est-ce pas? So Poirot and Hastings and Japp are ON THE CASE!! And there is more mysterious hijinks as always, and Hastings is stupid as usual, and Japp and his men are inept as usual, and Poirot is overly observant as usual, so it is GREAT! And after Poirot confuses Hastings and Hastings plays a game of, "I say, when I raise my right hand in the mirror it looks like my left, jolly good fun!" Poirot SOLVES ZE CRIME!!! And ze culprit is ZE BEAU OF MISS LEMON!!! *gasps* And then all the Hastings/Lemon shippers are like, "YES! Now that imposter will be thrown in jail and Hastings can take Miss Lemon for a ride in his new Italian jaunting car!!" And Hastings, so excited to catch the fiend so that he can be reunited with his more intelligent half, is hit with a WAVE OF AWESOME PERSPICACITY!!!! And thus he is able to lead Japp and Poirot to the fiend's hideout just in time!! And there they find that Lemon's murderous beau has a wife!! And Hastings is filled with righteous anger! And thus, when the fiend tries to make an escape in his car, Hastings fulfills his life's dream by leading an intense high-speed car chase in his jolly new 1937 Italian Sportscar, that ends with him punching the cad with a resounding THWACK...  ...while shouting, "You swine!! That was for Miss Lemon!" And the crowd goes wild with glee!! But Hastings WIN is overshadowed by FAIL when he realizes that his new Italian Sportscar has been smashèd. And he says, "I say, what jolly rotten luck!" and I giggle. And the episode ends with Hastings like, "I will tell Miss Lemon of her beau's asshattery, Poirot" (yes, will you console her with your inept flirtitude, Hastings?? XD), and Poirot is like, "No, I will do it," and then Poirot goes in and is like, "Miss Lemon, Edwin has been arrested." Lemon: "Who?" Poirot: "Mssr. Graves?" Lemon: "Oh, him. GOOD. It's about time." Poirot: "Pardonnez moi?" Lemon: "He was going to have the Count's cat destroyed! Couldn't be bothered to find a home for it!" *grumbles about animal-hating asshattery* Poirot: *sees cat that Miss Lemon has moved into his house and his head asplode*  Fin. |